508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
