i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
