Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
