I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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