What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
