Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
