Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
