JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
