mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
