its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
