there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
