oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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