I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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