I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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