Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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