All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You pole danced in your parka.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
