I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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