It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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