If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
