I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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