a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
