Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
