why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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