Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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