Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
