so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
