I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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