He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Lo siento on account of my penis...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
