I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
