11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
