i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize