I wish my penis had an off switch
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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