I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
