dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
