I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Couch. On fire.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
