Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
