Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize