i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just googled if crying burns calories
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
