Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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