i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
