He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize