Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
