Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize