I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
