dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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