I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
