I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
