there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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