they need to just BURY HIM!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
