I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dicks are not precious.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
