he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
