I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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