If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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