Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
