It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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