sarcasm needs its own font
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
