If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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