they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
